I Hate Odd Numbers...
...but I'm ready for 2019!
2018. A year of dramatic change. A year of pulling myself up from hurts and finding out that every day is a chance to be the person I want to be. A year of discovering and making peace with who I am and who I cannot be.
I think all of us have felt the weight of this past year. Maybe it's the politics, maybe it's the mess in our relationships, maybe it's how this year has shed light on just how far and how deep our convictions go. Maybe who we were in 2017 shaped the entire trajectory of 2018. Isn't that life?
It sounds lame to write, but breaking up with my ex and distancing myself from him at the start of 2018 was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I learned you don't have to be friends with your ex, especially if they're toxic. I learned you don't have to forgive overnight. Facebook and Google's blocking systems are great and work wonders. Don't be afraid to use them. I deleted pictures, threw away gifts, burned others, gave back a necklace as the only way I knew how to say "fuck you."
I moved on. From a lot of shit. And I've had to find myself again. I stopped watching Netflix. I switched to podcasts. I found new passions. I made a community for myself. I got a cat. I cooked more. I read more books than I have since I graduated college. I tried online dating. I went on a few dates. I deleted the apps and swore off dating. I got a new boyfriend so that shows how well the not dating went.
My 2018 has been transformative. I am more of myself than I have ever been - more raw, more honest, more vulnerable, more of my good and my bad. I know who my friends are and why I value them so. I know what a good relationship should look like, not just because I lived through a shitty one but because I am in a beautifully romantic one right now.
Joy and peace have been constant themes through this year, and continue to ring true for the next. Pursue joy. Make peace. I forgive myself. An endless repetition. I owe it all to Jesus. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair (Relient K). What a wonderful life! And transition. Oh transition. If my year could be summed up, if my time could be captured in one word. Transition in self, but also transition in my job. My boss retiring, a new one on the way, my own role transitioning as I speak. Transition on the horizon, change coming in like the tide. I am both afraid and exhilarated. Possibility is a wondrous thing.
It feels the same when I look out at the world past my circle of friends and peers. A world in transition. A world that has taken off the veil of pretense, no longer pretending. For better or worse. I keep hearing the phrase "light shines brighter in the darkness..." but I can't help but wish the darkness away. My heart is so heavy for this world. Possibility is a terrible thing.
And yet, and yet, and yet... a midterm turn out we haven't seen the likes of in 100 years. People making change, picking sides, refusing to be lukewarm. Is this not the light chasing away the dark? I hope. I choose to think that both exist. I choose to think that light will overcome. I choose to lend my voice, my money, my creativity, my love to the cause. I am convinced that my actions will speak louder than anything I can write here.
For all the goodbyes there is a new hello around the corner. So hello to the people I will meet, to job transition, to deeper friendships, to pursuing vulnerability, to possibility good and bad, to falling for a certain guy who sings to me over the phone on long car rides. Hello 2019.
2018. A year of dramatic change. A year of pulling myself up from hurts and finding out that every day is a chance to be the person I want to be. A year of discovering and making peace with who I am and who I cannot be.
I think all of us have felt the weight of this past year. Maybe it's the politics, maybe it's the mess in our relationships, maybe it's how this year has shed light on just how far and how deep our convictions go. Maybe who we were in 2017 shaped the entire trajectory of 2018. Isn't that life?
It sounds lame to write, but breaking up with my ex and distancing myself from him at the start of 2018 was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I learned you don't have to be friends with your ex, especially if they're toxic. I learned you don't have to forgive overnight. Facebook and Google's blocking systems are great and work wonders. Don't be afraid to use them. I deleted pictures, threw away gifts, burned others, gave back a necklace as the only way I knew how to say "fuck you."
I moved on. From a lot of shit. And I've had to find myself again. I stopped watching Netflix. I switched to podcasts. I found new passions. I made a community for myself. I got a cat. I cooked more. I read more books than I have since I graduated college. I tried online dating. I went on a few dates. I deleted the apps and swore off dating. I got a new boyfriend so that shows how well the not dating went.
My 2018 has been transformative. I am more of myself than I have ever been - more raw, more honest, more vulnerable, more of my good and my bad. I know who my friends are and why I value them so. I know what a good relationship should look like, not just because I lived through a shitty one but because I am in a beautifully romantic one right now.
Joy and peace have been constant themes through this year, and continue to ring true for the next. Pursue joy. Make peace. I forgive myself. An endless repetition. I owe it all to Jesus. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair (Relient K). What a wonderful life! And transition. Oh transition. If my year could be summed up, if my time could be captured in one word. Transition in self, but also transition in my job. My boss retiring, a new one on the way, my own role transitioning as I speak. Transition on the horizon, change coming in like the tide. I am both afraid and exhilarated. Possibility is a wondrous thing.
It feels the same when I look out at the world past my circle of friends and peers. A world in transition. A world that has taken off the veil of pretense, no longer pretending. For better or worse. I keep hearing the phrase "light shines brighter in the darkness..." but I can't help but wish the darkness away. My heart is so heavy for this world. Possibility is a terrible thing.
And yet, and yet, and yet... a midterm turn out we haven't seen the likes of in 100 years. People making change, picking sides, refusing to be lukewarm. Is this not the light chasing away the dark? I hope. I choose to think that both exist. I choose to think that light will overcome. I choose to lend my voice, my money, my creativity, my love to the cause. I am convinced that my actions will speak louder than anything I can write here.
For all the goodbyes there is a new hello around the corner. So hello to the people I will meet, to job transition, to deeper friendships, to pursuing vulnerability, to possibility good and bad, to falling for a certain guy who sings to me over the phone on long car rides. Hello 2019.
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