New Year Reflections
It's been a while, hasn't it? Well new year new beginnings blah blah now here let me be honest and complain about this last year.
2017 was a challenge. I didn't start it with much hope. We had just elected a man accused of sexual assault by at least 13 women (19 alleged I believe) and really that's just the point I bring up every time someone dares to claim he upholds Christian values. A guy that sticks his tongue down a woman's throat without asking permission is violating more than just religious values. But maybe I did have more hope than I claim. I was in love and I was starting full time at a job that continues to push me, challenge me, and encourage me. The job is still great by the way.
2017 taught me more about the word loneliness. How you can be right next to someone physically and yet feel so alone because they aren't being present. How you can live in a town, a city, for almost a year and still not make any close friends. How you can wish for the crazy zany summer staff because they make life so full. But it also taught me about friendship, how the people that are true to you will drop everything to be close when you are in pain. How a sister can drive 8 hours in snow just to spend a weekend with you. That's true love right there.
2017 taught me about myself. I am possessive in my relationships, hurtful when I don't get my way, not as strong in my convictions and beliefs as I hoped. I am lazy and compliant in the wrong ways. It needs to be about me, vanity, vanity. But I am a better friend than I realize, more authentic than most, able to carry more pain and hurt than I imagined. I hope longer, trust harder, and believe in the goodness of people maybe even when I shouldn't. I am strong and I cry and I need my people, my friends, more than I realize.
Truthfully, it was a shitty year. Not just because of Trump, not just because of how the world seems to be crumbling apart. Who I was, who I am, and who I want to be are so opposite that this year has felt like a huge blip, a mistake, a blunder in my otherwise perfect life. Mistake. Ha. So many mistakes.
I need 2018 like I need a reset button. I need this new year like I need my friends. I need 2018 because I need to not let 2017 define all my other years. Just like I need to forgive my ex and not let him define all other guys. I need 2018 like I need to let go. Both intentionally and because, well, time passes, and you have to let go anyway or let it eat you alive inside.
Life goes on. And so must I. I am grateful for my friends, my family, my community for getting me through this year. But thank God for new beginnings! That is what I want 2018 to be, a year of forward momentum, a year of goodbyes, a year for dreaming of a better future...even if our president (oops, present) sucks.
2017 was a challenge. I didn't start it with much hope. We had just elected a man accused of sexual assault by at least 13 women (19 alleged I believe) and really that's just the point I bring up every time someone dares to claim he upholds Christian values. A guy that sticks his tongue down a woman's throat without asking permission is violating more than just religious values. But maybe I did have more hope than I claim. I was in love and I was starting full time at a job that continues to push me, challenge me, and encourage me. The job is still great by the way.
2017 taught me more about the word loneliness. How you can be right next to someone physically and yet feel so alone because they aren't being present. How you can live in a town, a city, for almost a year and still not make any close friends. How you can wish for the crazy zany summer staff because they make life so full. But it also taught me about friendship, how the people that are true to you will drop everything to be close when you are in pain. How a sister can drive 8 hours in snow just to spend a weekend with you. That's true love right there.
2017 taught me about myself. I am possessive in my relationships, hurtful when I don't get my way, not as strong in my convictions and beliefs as I hoped. I am lazy and compliant in the wrong ways. It needs to be about me, vanity, vanity. But I am a better friend than I realize, more authentic than most, able to carry more pain and hurt than I imagined. I hope longer, trust harder, and believe in the goodness of people maybe even when I shouldn't. I am strong and I cry and I need my people, my friends, more than I realize.
Truthfully, it was a shitty year. Not just because of Trump, not just because of how the world seems to be crumbling apart. Who I was, who I am, and who I want to be are so opposite that this year has felt like a huge blip, a mistake, a blunder in my otherwise perfect life. Mistake. Ha. So many mistakes.
I need 2018 like I need a reset button. I need this new year like I need my friends. I need 2018 because I need to not let 2017 define all my other years. Just like I need to forgive my ex and not let him define all other guys. I need 2018 like I need to let go. Both intentionally and because, well, time passes, and you have to let go anyway or let it eat you alive inside.
Life goes on. And so must I. I am grateful for my friends, my family, my community for getting me through this year. But thank God for new beginnings! That is what I want 2018 to be, a year of forward momentum, a year of goodbyes, a year for dreaming of a better future...even if our president (oops, present) sucks.
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