In Need of Grace

Two weeks of only being kitchen or site staff was like vacation. You were only in charge of a specific task, only in charge of getting a small section of the work done. And, for some reason or another, it threw me off my game. I lost momentum. For two weeks I was responsible only for my assigned task. Not so with the job I have. I am responsible and held accountable for all of it.

If a project goes wrong. If my staff perform well or not. If the group is having a good time (even if it is a mission trip...). Lunch should be more than sandwiches. There were only oranges today instead of apples. The work projects are too short. Too long. Need more structure. Less structure. Etc. Etc. Etc. 
Kent UMC Group Working With Food For All
And I have so much more sympathy for those that hosted my YWAM group in Mexico and Costa Rica. I have so much more sympathy for my leaders who organized the projects and led us out on mission days. I have so much more admiration for Nicole and Gabby and Rasta and Elsi and Natalie and Danny and all those who took on the challenge of leading a group of "young adults" on a mission trip.

I especially admire the leaders who are here, working with me to lead and corral these kids who have chosen to come do Idaho Mission Project.

Idaho Mission Project, or IMP, is a service based mission project serving the communities of Spokane and Coeur d'Alene/Northern Idaho. My job this summer has been organizing volunteer opportunities for over 250 people who have come to serve through Twinlow's program. Putting what I've learned into words wouldn't do the job justice.

I've had the chance to speak to hundreds of kids about why I think missions is important. I've had the chance to share my story - the missionary kid, the YWAMer, the girl who has had to learn that God doesn't want success but faithfulness. I've been able to share my passion for community, my desire to see the body of Christ grow in love for each other so in turn they can serve others outside of the body with that same love.

At the same time, the job has been an exercise in flexibility. Letting go of perfection and embracing the fact that even if I could get everything right, something could still be improved or would go wrong. Because that's what it is to work with people. That's what it is to tackle working with youth.

Because let's face it, youth are challenging. They are self-obsessed and want to enjoy the service work they do. Which is not a bad thing! I wouldn't take on a job I didn't enjoy! But when it comes to service and being a servant, which is the core mission statement of IMP, you enjoying the work is not the focus.

Always back to that truth. The world doesn't revolve around you.

I am constantly learning that lesson the hard way. First in YWAM, with my own dissatisfaction with the service we were doing and having to confront that attitude in myself. Now, with the groups I manage and handle - sending them off to organizations and communities and individuals where sometimes the "work" is unsatisfying. Nothing I can do about that. Do better next time. Can't please everyone, even if it is perfect. It's not about me.
Primary Camp Singing "Be Bold"
And I think of Jesus when John the Baptist was killed. Wanting to be alone, seeking time to be away a grieve because his dear friend had been murdered. Instead, faced with the crowd that pursues him, he gives and gives and heals and talks and touches people. God with us. God touching us, seeing us, hearing us, speaking to us, taking our pain. Holding his own back and taking ours. And I want to cry because it's not fair. It's not fair that you ask me to be like Jesus - to give and give and give of myself and then go past my limits and give some more. It's not fair that we expect that of God......except he lets us. He wants to take our burdens and pain and anger and grief and he wants to take it and give us peace, rest, comfort, joy.

And it's not fair. But that's grace. You don't deserve it, you don't earn it, and you don't get to try and be selfless and reject it. I am not God. I cannot be Jesus unless Jesus is moving and living and working in me. If I can't receive the grace God wants to give me, then I cannot expect myself to be able to give like he does.

So maybe it is a little bit about me. Recognizing that I am loved endlessly by the God who calls me by name. Recognizing that I don't get to earn my way into his love or his grace or mercy. I just get to receive it. My God loves to give good things. And because I get to be Jesus, I get to give good things too.

But right now, I'm realizing that MORE structure is better than less, and there's a reason that God likens us all to sheep. Flexibility is great, but for IMP to grow and succeed I need to amp up the communication, amp up the scheduled activities, amp up those required projects. Have a framework that can be leaned on, so that flexibility is given rather than assumed. Because otherwise it looks disorganized. And that's the mess that is missions work. But I wouldn't have it any other way.


Despite the messiness. Despite the people. Despite the perfection or imperfection. Despite myself.

"We can't find our path without getting messy. Messy comes with the territory. We came in messy. We learn messy. We love messy. We leave messy. I never found my way to clarity without first befriending confusion, in all its chaotic forms. I never found a path that felt like home before falling into quicksand. I never established a new way of being without trying the wrong way of being on for size. I never found the light without stumbling around in the dark. I never tasted God before getting a little dirt in my mouth. In the heart of chaos is the clay that shapes us home. Chaotic magnificence!"
-Jeff Brown

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