The Process: Unity and Blessing
If there is an easy way to explain outreach, it doesn't exist in the English language. In Swiss-German they have a word to describe a situation as "learn-full." Unlike the word "interesting," this learnful word contains more positive connotations. I think this is closer to what I feel concerning outreach. The experience was incredible, in the good and the bad, and ultimately I come away knowing that I have learned more in two months than in my three years of college.
Unity was a theme echoed for our school since the first moment of intercession. Unity, unity, be united as the body of Christ. Be united in the love of Christ. Originally, this word made no sense for our group. We were united! We were the group with the least amount of conflict. Everyone was happy-go-lucky (to an almost annoying degree). Our time in Mexico City didn't change that. We were on a roll, kicking butt in ministry and making personal connections left and right. We were on top of the world and nothing was going to stop us.
Except, something did.
We spent a total of four weeks at the Puerto Viejo base in the jungle, and as a group we struggled with our identity, purpose, and leadership. The first two weeks were primarily manual labor, involving raking leaves, digging holes, painting bridge pieces, building a new bridge, painting roofs, and building a chicken coop. The work was hard, the bugs were endless, we all sweated buckets, and everything smelled. The group moral dropped drastically during that time. It was like we couldn't ever get enough rest, enough break from work or from each other.
Much of my group is extroverted and compelled by people and relational ministry. That in itself made the physical ministry difficult, because many of my peers wanted to be making a personal impact. Disagreement and our spirit of complaining began there. As we moved into week three and four, the tension increased. As a group we could be united in goal and perform well during ministry, but at a personal and intimate level there were more arguments, more hurt feelings, more misunderstandings. When we did begin incorporating personal ministry, that reflected back in our energy and drive. We were doing "nothing" yet couldn't escape the feeling of being burnt out.
Before I go on, let me clarify that the breakdown in group unity had more to do with us as people rather than any of the situations or locations or ministry projects we were involved in. The combination of individualism along with the hunger to make a personal impact, to "feel" the change we were enacting, created tension with our leadership and left many highly frustrated with our physical service towards the base in Puerto Viejo.
In the end, no one was in the right or wrong. As a wise woman told me, "There are no sides, only one body." And life was not as grim as I make it out to be. We had wonderful God moments, wonderful conversations between us as a group and with strangers. I grew enormously as I pressed into God and my quiet times, especially during the weeks of frustration. But I come away from this experience having learned the value of being unified, knowing better how to define unity. More importantly, I see now why communication is so vital and why Paul again and again told the churches to throw off gossip, slander, and complaining. Words can bring life. Words can bring death.
On a personal level, outreach was life-giving and incredible! I absolutely loved it. While the struggle with the group was real and relevant to me, I felt as if the time in Puerto Viejo was God's hand of love and rest on me. Rest! I haven't felt like this since...ever if I'm honest. I had been struggling heavily with myself, especially during and just out of my college years. Life was exhausting and I couldn't find hope in my future. Everything about moving forward was terrifying. I could picture myself hiding in my parents house for the next five years, stuck in my room afraid to go out because life was draining me and I didn't know if I could plug up the holes enough to function.
Then I come here.
To Mexico. To Ensenada where I was confronting my self-pity (aka PRIDE) and my anger at God. And I begin to learn who God is, what lies I had swallowed about him and about myself. I learned about my belovedness to God but I still didn't know how to make it truth in my heart. How do you let yourself believe that you are a child of God? And what does that even mean?
In Puerto Viejo I finally began to experience the breakthrough I needed. During my quiet times, through my conversations with my leaders and peers, I began to push into my frustrations and fears concerning God. It sounds too simple when I say I dedicated time every morning to read the Bible. That shouldn't change anything. And yet, it changed everything. I fell in love. With God, with Jesus, with the Bible, with the life God was promising me. He spoke and I folded. The peace of God became a reality for me. His rest became a reality for me.
Then, his promise of blessing came. While we were in the indigenous village working with OM Costa Rica, we had a bonfire to speak words of affirmation over each other. One of the staff made us cards and wrote down specific verses he felt God was giving to him for each person. Little did he know. Before we came to the village, I had been asking God for affirmation over any of my future decisions. What profession? What goal? What next? So I get this verse, Deuteronomy 28:8 - "The Lord will send a blessing ... on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you." Anything? Everything? God was promising to bless ME in whatever direction I chose. With that blessing came awareness of his nature as a Giver. With that blessing came my decision to cast off fear. I can chose to walk in freedom because I am truly free.
People can tell. Over the phone, conversations with my parents and my mom says I sound different. My leaders spoke to me about the growth they've seen: my pride and struggle with identity at the beginning of DTS that is slowly being transformed as I choose humbleness, surrender, and rest in the identity God gives me. Even today, talking with my friends who were on the Panama outreach, saying that they see how I've changed, thrown out the lies and found a new confidence in myself and in God. I am free! I am in love! I am immeasurably blessed and loved by a God who delights in giving good gifts! I have new hope for the future because it is no longer terrifying. Because I am loved and I love in return.
So yes, the community is a challenge and God is still teaching me how to be an effective leader and team member. Yes, I am still learning what it is to love the church, the body of Christ. I am still learning how big my pride is and how much the focus always seems to be on me or my perspective. But how great is it that I get to grow! I am in a relationship that demands my all and wants to consume me completely. And I am excited to surrender to the process. I want to grow. I want to go!
As DTS wraps up I am reminded of our theme: to go deeper, to enter the inner sanctuary. This time has challenged me to throw off the apathy and complacency in my former walk with God. I am called by name and I am called to know God. And I may not know him completely now; I may not have the fullest understanding or the answers to all my questions. But I have gone deeper, am going deeper. As one Bethel song says, "Whether I sink, whether I swim. It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." That's where I am. In over my head, heart lost, out of control and I don't care because Jesus is the most beautiful thing.
Honest.
Unity was a theme echoed for our school since the first moment of intercession. Unity, unity, be united as the body of Christ. Be united in the love of Christ. Originally, this word made no sense for our group. We were united! We were the group with the least amount of conflict. Everyone was happy-go-lucky (to an almost annoying degree). Our time in Mexico City didn't change that. We were on a roll, kicking butt in ministry and making personal connections left and right. We were on top of the world and nothing was going to stop us.
Except, something did.
We spent a total of four weeks at the Puerto Viejo base in the jungle, and as a group we struggled with our identity, purpose, and leadership. The first two weeks were primarily manual labor, involving raking leaves, digging holes, painting bridge pieces, building a new bridge, painting roofs, and building a chicken coop. The work was hard, the bugs were endless, we all sweated buckets, and everything smelled. The group moral dropped drastically during that time. It was like we couldn't ever get enough rest, enough break from work or from each other.
Much of my group is extroverted and compelled by people and relational ministry. That in itself made the physical ministry difficult, because many of my peers wanted to be making a personal impact. Disagreement and our spirit of complaining began there. As we moved into week three and four, the tension increased. As a group we could be united in goal and perform well during ministry, but at a personal and intimate level there were more arguments, more hurt feelings, more misunderstandings. When we did begin incorporating personal ministry, that reflected back in our energy and drive. We were doing "nothing" yet couldn't escape the feeling of being burnt out.
Before I go on, let me clarify that the breakdown in group unity had more to do with us as people rather than any of the situations or locations or ministry projects we were involved in. The combination of individualism along with the hunger to make a personal impact, to "feel" the change we were enacting, created tension with our leadership and left many highly frustrated with our physical service towards the base in Puerto Viejo.
In the end, no one was in the right or wrong. As a wise woman told me, "There are no sides, only one body." And life was not as grim as I make it out to be. We had wonderful God moments, wonderful conversations between us as a group and with strangers. I grew enormously as I pressed into God and my quiet times, especially during the weeks of frustration. But I come away from this experience having learned the value of being unified, knowing better how to define unity. More importantly, I see now why communication is so vital and why Paul again and again told the churches to throw off gossip, slander, and complaining. Words can bring life. Words can bring death.
On a personal level, outreach was life-giving and incredible! I absolutely loved it. While the struggle with the group was real and relevant to me, I felt as if the time in Puerto Viejo was God's hand of love and rest on me. Rest! I haven't felt like this since...ever if I'm honest. I had been struggling heavily with myself, especially during and just out of my college years. Life was exhausting and I couldn't find hope in my future. Everything about moving forward was terrifying. I could picture myself hiding in my parents house for the next five years, stuck in my room afraid to go out because life was draining me and I didn't know if I could plug up the holes enough to function.
Then I come here.
To Mexico. To Ensenada where I was confronting my self-pity (aka PRIDE) and my anger at God. And I begin to learn who God is, what lies I had swallowed about him and about myself. I learned about my belovedness to God but I still didn't know how to make it truth in my heart. How do you let yourself believe that you are a child of God? And what does that even mean?
In Puerto Viejo I finally began to experience the breakthrough I needed. During my quiet times, through my conversations with my leaders and peers, I began to push into my frustrations and fears concerning God. It sounds too simple when I say I dedicated time every morning to read the Bible. That shouldn't change anything. And yet, it changed everything. I fell in love. With God, with Jesus, with the Bible, with the life God was promising me. He spoke and I folded. The peace of God became a reality for me. His rest became a reality for me.
Then, his promise of blessing came. While we were in the indigenous village working with OM Costa Rica, we had a bonfire to speak words of affirmation over each other. One of the staff made us cards and wrote down specific verses he felt God was giving to him for each person. Little did he know. Before we came to the village, I had been asking God for affirmation over any of my future decisions. What profession? What goal? What next? So I get this verse, Deuteronomy 28:8 - "The Lord will send a blessing ... on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you." Anything? Everything? God was promising to bless ME in whatever direction I chose. With that blessing came awareness of his nature as a Giver. With that blessing came my decision to cast off fear. I can chose to walk in freedom because I am truly free.
People can tell. Over the phone, conversations with my parents and my mom says I sound different. My leaders spoke to me about the growth they've seen: my pride and struggle with identity at the beginning of DTS that is slowly being transformed as I choose humbleness, surrender, and rest in the identity God gives me. Even today, talking with my friends who were on the Panama outreach, saying that they see how I've changed, thrown out the lies and found a new confidence in myself and in God. I am free! I am in love! I am immeasurably blessed and loved by a God who delights in giving good gifts! I have new hope for the future because it is no longer terrifying. Because I am loved and I love in return.
So yes, the community is a challenge and God is still teaching me how to be an effective leader and team member. Yes, I am still learning what it is to love the church, the body of Christ. I am still learning how big my pride is and how much the focus always seems to be on me or my perspective. But how great is it that I get to grow! I am in a relationship that demands my all and wants to consume me completely. And I am excited to surrender to the process. I want to grow. I want to go!
As DTS wraps up I am reminded of our theme: to go deeper, to enter the inner sanctuary. This time has challenged me to throw off the apathy and complacency in my former walk with God. I am called by name and I am called to know God. And I may not know him completely now; I may not have the fullest understanding or the answers to all my questions. But I have gone deeper, am going deeper. As one Bethel song says, "Whether I sink, whether I swim. It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." That's where I am. In over my head, heart lost, out of control and I don't care because Jesus is the most beautiful thing.
Honest.
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