Deeper In

The past week has been very personally focused as Jeff Pratt talked about our "Identity in Christ" and uncovering the walls preventing us from truly seeing ourselves. Normally, this topic is at the beginning of the lecture weeks, because it becomes the building block for many of the other teachings. However, I think it was almost more impactful to have it closer to the end. People were more comfortable, more willing to step out in vulnerability...especially because the "identity" talk so answered Daniel's question last week of "Who are you?"

The walls we create around our heart are usually from sources of pain, bricks of protection that rise higher and higher until we turn around one day and realize that we can't feel, can't see anything past the wall we've built. And God is pressing up against that wall, knocking and waiting for us to let him in, let him help us take down some of these stones. It's not an easy process. It's not a painless one. Confronting bricks means confronting pain, and the journey towards experiencing the entirety of God's love for us also leaves us open to the love and hurt of people.

My bricks are similar to others: pride, fear, disappointment with God...but I'd like to focus on my brick of anger and bitterness. I've been angry with people and with God for a while now. My friendship with others feels one-sided. I've had many friendships where my only value comes from the advice I can give, friendships where I am just a stand-in for who or what the other person is looking for. These experiences make it difficult for me to be vulnerable with people. This reflected in my relationship with God as well. Because I felt used by people, God's love and dedication towards me seemed fake and, at best, designed for someone else.

Why is this so important? Last week, I was confronted with my selfish desire to be noticed. I wanted the speaker to come up to me and say God had given them a word about me or for me. And that still, small voice came...asking me if I would follow even if I didn't get talked to through the speakers. If God chose not to talk to me through any of the speakers for the rest of this time, for the rest of my life, would I still follow? Why is the word of men so much more important to me than learning to hear God's voice for myself?

I made a decision then. To not let the truths and stories shared by the speakers be enough. To seek God because I wanted him active and present in my life. To seek because I want to know God personally not distantly. And, you know what? I think that made all the difference.

This week, God spoke hugely into my life. Surprisingly, he chose to use the very method I had surrendered to him last week. Our speaker told me God saw my struggle with isolation and how my mindset was of one who was invisible. During our Friday prayer night, I received three different notes from students and staff who felt like God had given them a word for me. If I had received any of this last week, it would have enabled my complacent attitude. Now, it makes me want to press in deeper.

God is encouraging me to fight for intimacy. He is pushing me to reject isolation, reminding me that I still have the choice to be present and personal with the people around me. He told me that I am valued for who I am, not just the advice I can give or the supporting roles I can play for others. In the end, I am loved. Not for any reason, not because of anything I have done or anything I have been, just because. So I can push to be intimate, to be vulnerable. If I want more, especially of him, I won't be denied! God is a giver, and he delights in giving more of himself!